Bondage Boot and a Cocktail Dress

It is surprisingly difficult to find a cocktail dress that will go well with the bondage boot (not to mention shoes). I finally decided on three options that had skirts with enough length and flair to work getting in and out of cars and up and down from my seat without flashing too much leg. Two could be paired with black tights - in the vain hope of having the bondage boot recede from view a bit. I was happily dresses in my Calvin Klein dress and jacket when I walked into a brighter room and discovered that my blazer was a dark navy, so that meant changing into my third option and a cardigan and finally heading out for a nice, but very long evening.

I left my apartment at 5:30 pm, we got to the catering hall at 7:00 pm, dinner was served after 10:00 pm, we left about an hour later, and I walked back in my door at midnight. I did a bit of standing and table hopping during the evening, so was surprised at how little my foot protested when I finally dragged myself out of bed this morning. 

My foot may not have protested, but two hours after I got up the rest of me is ready for a nap! The only items on my agenda are doing a little housekeeping and laundry.

In getting ready for my evening out I did come to realize I am getting very tired of the fear of my shower. In the past month I have yet to take a shower where I don't have a threatened fall as I, or my crutches, slip on wet tile. While walking in the boot is getting easier and I am having to rely on putting less weight on the cane to get around, out of the boot I am still very fearful of trusting my foot. I suspect a large part of that is the neuropathy. If I can't fully feel my foot how can I trust it to hold me. The other is simply a continued need to baby and protect my foot and not do anything that might damage it and make all this work for naught.

I did run into a photographer acquaintance last night who reminded me how ready I am to sling my cameras over my shoulders and go for a long walk. It's surprising the prospective you can get on life by looking through a viewfinder.   

Ignoring Myself: When Three Blocks Feels Like a Marathon

I said all those things about being good yesterday and completely ignored them today.

Got up early this morning and baked a large batch triple chocolate, double toffee, pecan cookies. Luckily I discovered that my wedge flip-flop is high enough that it evens out my leg height, making standing for long periods more comfortable. Having baked, I then needed to find homes for most of the cookies so they wouldn't tempt me to over indulge.

My scheme was to walk to the bus, take the bus to lunch with a friend, then another bus to drop off cookies and get a ride home, I figured the most walking I would be doing was two blocks to the first bus and one block after getting off the second bus. HA!

I did not walk the two blocks to the bus as a friend came by to drive me (and get a dozen cookies) to the pharmacy a block from the restaurant. I picked up gauze pads for my heel and some much needed allergy medication and then stopped in the physical therapy center, on the same block, to schedule my PT evaluation for the Friday after I see Dr. Hubbard in two weeks. Then continued on to my lunch date.

The problem arose when my post-lunch cookie drop off was pushed back by over an hour and I realized going home made it more complicated. So I hatched the new idea of taking the bus to the mall and killing some time there before walking the "easy" three and a half blocks to drop off cookies.

With no benches at the bus stop (which seems silly for a bus stop that serves a hospital), I was already dragging by the time I got to the mall, but still decided that if I was there I might as well pick up a few items. I was very aware of my foot by the time I got through the check out line and had to sit for a bit before I even tried to go outside. AMA compliance is great, putting the elevators closer to the store enterances would be better!

The first block was probably the easiest as it had benches and I was able to sit and rest a couple of times before crossing 5 lanes of traffic and continuing my journey. I am grateful for delayed traffic lights or it would have taken me two set of green lights to cross the avenue. Even with the rests on that first block, by the time I reached my destination I had managed to raise a blister on the pad of my hand and just wanted to sit down.

Hung out there for about 45 minutes, happily letting conversations flow around me, before getting a ride home. I have elevated and iced my foot and promise to be quiet for most of the day tomorrow. I don't actually want to do any damage, or set back my recovery, I was just so happy to be able to get outside and feel normal that I got a bit carried away.

If I'm honest, part of being quiet tomorrow is recovery from today and preparation for an event tomorrow night. Still trying to figure out how to pair the bondage boot with tights and a cocktail dress - don't have any idea what shoe to wear! But that is a worry for tomorrow. Also contemplating a Michael Jackson, with one glove to help add padding between my hand and the cane.

Knowing Your Limitations

Not something that comes naturally to me. I have always been stubborn and seem to like to push at immovable objects. So, I did have to tell Marco today that it was killing me to be this good for the past month. But if being this good means I can get back to work sooner, I will be good.

That came into play yesterday when I decided not to try out my new double chocolate toffee pecan cookie recipe because I knew all that standing would probably be frowned on. That said, I pushed it today by taking the subway home after seeing Marco.

Everything seemed to go smoothly with today's appointment. Removing the sutures was probably the most pain I've had since surgery - he swears he did not make me bleed. I can now get my scar wet in the shower (yeah, no more blue bag), but should keep it wrapped in the elastic wrap when it is in the boot - i.e. when I'm not in bed or the shower. He says the neuropathy is caused by my nerves being angry (his adjective) at the surgery and should dissipate as I heal and the swelling goes down.

On the plus side, I can move from crutches to a cane (as soon as I remember which side I'm supposed to use it on) and the walking restriction of half a block has been lifted to "within reason". Obviously this man does not know me well! Which leads us to me trip home on the subway.

I was so excited by the idea that I could start to get back into my normal patterns that I didn't think through how far the subway elevators are from each other. There is an elevator to the subway mezzanine just around the corner from the medical center, but the elevator to the subway platform is a good distance from the turnstiles. On the other end I had to get off a stop before mine so I could take three elevators in an almost V like pattern to get from the subway platform to the street and then walk a short block, crossing two large avenues, to take a bus that dropped my off a block from my building. Perhaps a bit much for the first day I'm allowed to walk more than half a block.

I am being good now, with my foot elevated and the gel packs in the freezer so I can ice it later. But, if I'm honest, plans are already in my head for a trip to visit my favorite baristas and a chai soy latte tomorrow. I will however take a bus as I suspect 14 blocks is not Marco's idea of within reason. Especially if I spend the morning standing in the kitchen working on my cookie recipe.

Frankenfoot

The big activity of my day was to change the dressing on my heel. As I said yesterday the gauze had moved with the elastic wrap, so this morning I put a new xeroform dressing and gauze over the suture (surprisingly easier to do alone when the xeroform is moist). But before I re-dressed I snapped a shot of the scar line.

Managed to scare myself with how large and ugly it currently looks. You can see how swollen my foot and ankle still are, even wrapped in an elastic bandage. Can't even tell if the skin has fully bonded back together. I don't remember my knee looking this bad, though Dr. Williams used dissolving stitches and held the skin together with tape, so I never saw the actual stitches. (I do remember after my first knee surgery, 25 years ago, the feel of having the stitches removed, it was a very strange feeling.) On the plus side there doesn't seem to be any blood or leakage.  

The high point of my day came this afternoon with the arrival of my lunch guest and her feel better gift - a Starbucks chai latte exactly to order. With the first sip of the spicy extra chai I could again believe in a positive future (at least for my heel).

Living in the Shower and Needing a Nurse

My MacGyver skills almost weren't enough to get me safely out of the shower this morning. The knee walker went back on Tuesday, so this was my first shower without that support. There were a couple of times I worried I was not going to catch myself as I slipped and once or twice thought about simply living out the rest of my days in my shower.

I had to wiggle my good foot across the wet tile, not putting any weight on the left foot and move the shower stool to the bathroom, sit, swivel and very carefully use my crutches on the tile floor. I don't know that I will ever take the ability to step into the shower for granted again.

The shower also caused me to notice two things. The swelling of my toes and the top of my foot is worse then when the cast was removed. I emailed Marco, but wonder if I should be elevating my foot more. I have gotten into working on my computer at the dining table for long stretches over the last few days. Besides not providing the cat with his preferred nap location, this change in location may also be affecting my foot.

Add conscious effort to elevate to my to do list.

The second issue was that the elastic bandage wrapped around my foot has loosened and moved at bit since it was first put on. I decided to try re-wrapping my foot and discovered that dealing with heel injuries is not a one person job.

When I unwrapped my foot, I found that the gauze pad had also slipped under the bandage and a portion of my stitches had not been covered. I attempted to put the gauze back in place and securely wrap the bandage, but I'm not certain how well I did. Hence my desire for a nurse or trained medical practitioner. Going into Dr. Hubbard's office to have it re-wrapped is simply not logical, nor is going to the local emergency room. I am leaning towards calling a neighbor to come help later as I'm not sure I did a good job - the suture line seems irritated by something when I'm walking and I suspect I should put a new xeroform dressing and gauze on it.

Combine that with two meetings tonight - one here and one out in the world -  and I have a very busy evening ahead. For now it's back to the couch and elevate, while dreaming of days I can walk without crutches.

Dream a Little Dream

Strange dreams last night. I only remember bits and pieces. There was a portion involving a large group of children and another involving politicians, but the part that stuck with me involved my foot.

I was walking in the neighborhood in my bondage boot and suddenly realized not only was I walking more than half a block and wasn't using my crutches. For some reason I had left them resting against a fence a few blocks away. When I walked back to them I found that someone had stolen the pair of crutches and left two mis-matched crutches that weren't even the same type or height. I was outraged some one would steal my crutches, then I woke up. Not sure what my subconscious was trying to work out, but it was definitely busy.

I have not been outside for another walk since last week. The weather has been cold and I have started to focus on the projects I had set aside for this time of recovery. It has been getting easier to get around the apartment and I have even managed to take my trash bags to the garbage shoot (albeit one at a time). My foot still feels numb and cold. I have been keeping the boot sock on almost all the time, including in bed in fear of the ace bandage un-rolling in my sleep. Even under the sock the bandage has been bunching and my foot has been feeling itchy. Here's hoping the stitches can be removed when I see Marco next week and I can start wearing a smaller bandage.

In the meantime, I am starting to think of dream photo locations once my foot is declared ready to return to work. Paris and Srinagar always top my revisit to lists, but Venice and the Scottish highlands also call. Much as I liked the Galapagos, I figure my first trip back should not involve that much water or A'a' lava. Maybe somewhere well off the beaten path (harder and harder to find these days). I have always wanted to visit Tristan da Cunha.

That said I'm in the midst of reading a biography of Gertrude Bell and have often wondered about putting together an assignment to follow in the footsteps of the early women explorers like Bell or Isabella Bird. For now, still in my boot with limits on my walking I have a bit if time to plan my trip.

Days Follow

I want nothing more then to go outside, even if it is just for a short hop. But even I am not foolish enough to try crutches and a bad foot in the snow. I love photographing in snow and right now the perfect, photogenic fat flakes are falling past my window. But I am accepting that is simply not to be this winter.

I have been inside for two days now. Thursday because I had to try to clean the apartment before hosting a meeting and yesterday because I actually got drawn into work. I had hoped I could at least make it across the street to the supermarket today and pick up the most urgent item on my shopping list, kitty litter. After looking out the window, I left a note for one of my neighbors and hope they emerge from their apartment soon.

Walking has become a bit easier, though I am beginning to remember why I'm not a fan of crutches as I build up strange calluses on my hands. I'm also not loving the bondage boot as I continue to search for a comfortable leg position for long stretches of sitting.

I'm in limbo until Marco or Dr. Hubbard approve the next move to physical therapy and more walking. For now, I will have to wait for the snow to melt before I can venture back outside and find activities to keep my mind and eye from atrophying as I count down the days to my next doctor appointment.

Beware Bitchiness Below

I have survived 17 days, that seems to be my limit. I'm cranky and starting to hate. I hate the bondage brace, I hate the way it feels like it's pinching my ankle, I hate the way it accentuates the fact that I can't feel parts of my foot, I hate the way it throws off my other hip and tightens my back muscles. I hate the limitations the surgery has put on my life. I hate to be forced to be cooped up inside. I hate being dependent on other people for even simple things like taking out the garbage. I hate that I'm only allowed to walk the equivalent of half a city block. I hate the fact that simple things like taking a walk (only a quarter of a block up my street and then back) tire me out so much that I have to take a rest after just coming down to the lobby before I even go outside. I hate the fact that such a short walk leaves me felling like I need a nap. I could go on, but I won't.

Jo and I went for a short walk outside this morning. We walked, or hobbled as the case may be, a quarter of the block and then stopped to chat with another neighbor before returning and having a good chat in the lobby. The sad part was I was already tired before I made it to the lobby just from hobbling the distance from my apartment door to the elevator. I who think nothing of walking 5 miles a day on assignments was tired by 50 or so feet and 4 steps.

Even seeing people and talking with friends has not been enough to lift the malaise of being incapacitated that has been creeping over me. I feel myself losing interest in books, movies, even work that I was so excited about having time to focus on three weeks ago. I'm not quite sure how to shake myself out of it and feel like I am going to start feeling needy very soon. I went so far as to ask my neighbors to book some baby time with their son, hoping that looking into his innocent, inquisitive face with help shake off this attitude.

I hate that I feel this way.

Tentative First Steps

Well, I have seen proof that the foot was still there under all that cotton and bandages.

I could even have Dr. Hubbard's initials tattooed on my shin if I so desired. Don't look too closely, or you'll see how much the hair grew under the cast. Marco says I can now wear the short leg sleeve to shower, but need to keep my foot at an angle so as not to pull the tendon or sutures. (I suspect I'll feel safer keeping the shower chair around for a bit longer.)

Somehow I thought it would be a horizontal scar, but it is vertical and looks like it runs from the base of my heel up to the back of my ankle - 3 to 4 inches. Right now it still has black sutures and resembles a back-seamed stocking. (No, I didn't get a picture, couldn't figure out how to tell Marco to move or how to angle the camera phone.)

When I got to the office, Marco took me back and cut off the cast, inspected my incision and put on some Xeroform gauze ("...a medicating and deodorizing agent. Ideal for use on non-draining to lightly draining wounds...") and wrapped it in an ace bandage (as seen above). Marco also took a look at my knee, which had started bleeding lightly from the rubbing and use of the walker. he put some more medicated gauze on it and said to just watch it for a while. The last thing I need is to have to go see Dr. W in the middle of dealing with my foot.

I then got my big toe x-rayed to see if I had broken it when I banged it in the shower last week. It is still  feeling swollen and generally off. The decision from Dr. Hubbard was that there may have been a hairline fracture, but no break that he could see and since it was going to be strapped in my new boot there was no worry.

I found it a bit strange that Dr. Hubbard didn't want to examine the incision himself, never before known a surgeon who didn't want to see his work, but I like and trust Marco so just noted the absence. Dr. Hubbard did come and wiggle my foot and check my strength after my x-ray. He said I was allowed "not much" walking in the new boot and need to use my crutches as added support. He seemed a bit surprised by the neuropathy on the ball of my foot and base of my toes, but thought the feeling would return.

I then got sized for what I shall be referring to as my bondage boot. Made by the same people as my other immobilizing boot, this one has more straps and an adjustable wedge to keep my achilles at angle as it continues to heal.

With a black sock instead of the white one provided, it feels like something for a KISS costume or, as my name for it implies, a certain type of club.

We tried it with two wedges, but that put too much pressure on the ball of my foot, which didn't seem a good idea when I can't feel it. So for now, it's one wedge and lots of straps. I can take the boot off at night, but if I have to get up during the night I have to put it on or go back to not weight bearing. Because of the wedge it is also difficult to get comfortable seated. It feels like my knee is up too high and with the nerves of my heel still recuperating it is difficult to tell how much pressure I am actually placing on it.

Just the walk with crutches from the hall stairs to my neighbors door and then home had me sweating and my stomach churning this afternoon. It seems to be better this evening and I have been able to feed the cats and get from one end of the apartment to the other.

I did e-mail Marco and Dr. H for clarification on how much walking constituted Dr. Hubbard's "not much". Very glad I did. For me, even in my other boot, walking 10 or more blocks (often each way) doesn't seem like very much. Limitations for me often mean no more then 5 or 6 blocks. Their idea is no more then 1/2 a block in a given day. If I'm honest I can do that just walking around my apartment and going to the elevator and downstairs to get my mail. But I promised Marco I would be good, even though I am starting to go into Chai latte withdrawal and was counting on the new boot meaning I could get to see my favorite baristas.

For now, I am scheduled to see Marco, I was told Dr. Hubbard won't be in the office, in two weeks for another assessment. I attempted to bribe him with my chocolate toffee cookies to look the other way while I snuck in some extra walking but he didn't seem willing to bite. Obviously he does not know my baking reputation.

The other big news from the appointment is the decision to take me off the Lovenox and put me on a simple aspirin regimen. I'm thrilled, except for the fact that I'm left with over 20 unused and unopened syringes of the medication. When I went on-line for prices, I found that it is somewhere in the neighborhood of $500 of medication that neither my doctor nor the pharmacy will take back. In a country where so many don't have health insurance it seems a complete waste to not be able to find some clinic or program where I can donate the unused shots. A friend recommended a few places in NYC and I'll take some time tomorrow to do some internet research.

My other goal for tomorrow is to find someone who can pick up some allergy medication. I have been fighting with a sinus migraine for two days now and have run out of decongestant. If I'm going to be cooped up in this apartment for another two weeks I need to clear my sinus cavities!

Out Into the World

I went grocery shopping today. Well, I went across the street and picked up six items, two of which were on my list - I forgot the third item on the list.

It was nice to get outside, even if I found myself a bit scared of tilting sidewalks and discovered just how uneven the sidewalk to street ramp is when you are terrified of falling off your walker.

I am ready for Tuesday and the walking cast.

I will try to go out again tomorrow and see if I can make it farther then the market.

The Days Pass

I had scheduled yesterday as a quiet day between the expected busyness of Tuesday and today. That's what it was. I enjoyed a new book and started doing some of the preliminary work on a grant proposal. Also gave my knee a rest from the walker.

Today was an internet meeting in the morning and a face-to-face meeting in the afternoon, unplanned but hopefully productive.

My life is settling in to the monotony of week two and I simply count the hours until I see Dr. Hubbard next Tuesday and get a new walking cast. I feel less stir-crazy today, perhaps it was looking towards the future when this surgery is simply another scar on my body, or I am slipping into the ennui of the confined.

My horoscope says my creative orientation may be changing. Perhaps that's it. I think I need to leave the house tomorrow!