Lost My Nerve

Happy Birthday to my father and grandmother. Both long gone, but very much on my mind today.

My knee was very stiff this morning and barely bent at all when I got up. I put ice on it while on the CPM machine and was able to get it to bend to 85 degrees, but when I did my exercises and tried to bend it on my own I could barely get it past 25 degrees without pain.

I've been thinking that the reason my knee feels like a dead weight is the nerve trauma from the surgery. The nerves around my knee were sliced and shoved around during the procedure and many of them have, hopefully only temporarily, lost the connection to my brain. I don't always know where my knee is in relation to the alignment of my leg (if that makes any sense). It's a weird sensation. The nerves that still work tell me I should be feeling something in the affected area, but I don't. This becomes most obvious and concerning when I am trying to roll over in bed and / or walking around without the brace.

Which leads me to my other loss of nerve. I have spent the last 23 years being afraid of my knees. I was told by my previous surgeon and my mother that my knees were delicate and had to be coddled (as much as you can a leg joint). I was told no sports where I would be moving my knee side to side and stressing my ligaments. No skiing, basketball, volleyball, tennis, rock climbing, bike riding, running, surfing, etc. I was forever wary of falling and damaging my knees. Anytime I did fall on my knee an MRI shortly followed. I remember after a fall in my early twenties where my mother picked me up and drove me to an emergency MRI before I had even seen a doctor. Basically, it was drummed in my head to try to live my life, but treat my knees like they were made of glass. Snow, which I loved as a child, started to terrify me - all I could see was slipping and falling. Activities I wanted to try were ruled out based on knee impact.

And now I wonder if I'm not progressing as quickly as I should out of fear. Last time I was in a cast for six or eight weeks, this time Dr. Williams may take me out of the brace on Monday and I am terrified of doing something that will damage my knee. I can't do hydrotherapy until my incision is healed and I can't even seem to get a clear answer on when that will be. The tape put on after the stitches were removed is barely loose, much less ready to fall off.

Well, I see Dr. Williams on Tuesday. I need to write down my list of questions and issues. Plus figure out what to where that can cover PT in the morning, doctors appointment and lunch with a friend. I suspect I may have to pack extra clothes for one or more of my engagements.

The Long Walk

I may have over done it again. After my morning CPM session I decided to walk the seven blocks to the mall and then walk back and forth throughout the mall in a vain search for a skirt or pants that will fit over my brace, while allowing me to sit and being office friendly. After my fruitless search I walked home.

A walk that before October 5th I never would have thought twice about. Today I was exhausted by the time I got home and had definitely tightened up my knee as proven by my afternoon CPM session. I couldn't get higher then 70 degrees.

I still need a skirt, but I may try to be a bit quieter tomorrow as I will be busy Sunday.

Tired

I didn't sleep well last night and got up early this morning, so this is likely to be short.

I am now going outside without my crutches and able to get around the apartment without my brace. I even took a shower today with my knee wrapped in plastic wrap.

I also had PT this afternoon and with some pain, Dina and I were able to get my knee to 85 degrees. She even agreed to see me at 8:30 am on Tuesday, so that my knee is flexible before Dr. Williams beats it up at my one month appointment later that morning. Melissa also wants me to keep the CPM machine for at least one more week.

While I am far from being able to run the marathon on Sunday, I am mostly happy with my progress. I just wish I could bend further without pain.

Healthcare, healthcare, healthcare

If it hadn't been raining things might have been different. If the weather had been better I would have ventured forth to the big wide world without my crutches and I would not have been home when the phone rang. But I was.

When they asked for my dead mother I assumed it was one of the political campaigns. I have already received eight calls from the democratic mayoral candidates campaign. All for a woman who has been gone for two years. I have learned to ask which campaign they are calling from. He simply said he was from 1199 (for those who don't know unions that's the health care workers union). I do take responsibility for still assuming he was calling for a candidate. Looking back I suspect my saying she was no longer on the voter rolls was why he told me to shut up, that he wasn't calling from a voter roll. However, telling me to shut up wasn't exactly a positive comment for either of us. While I did not yell, I got a bit more vocal in my disgust of his calling. Which lead him to call me a bitch and an idiot and hang up on me. (I may be a bitch, but you don't get to call me one!) That lead to calls and research to figure out which candidate he was calling for and a message for the 1199 administration offices, which may have contained a threat of going to the local media if I didn't get a call back. (You call me a bitch, I will become one.) I did get a call back while I was having my CPM session this afternoon. She was apologetic, promised to track down the person who called and to remove my mothers name from their call list. The ironic part is they were calling about lobbying for healthcare reform. Something I do support and my mother would have.

So that was the first of my healthcare issues. The second came as a voice mail from the company supplying the CPM machine wanting to discuss when I was returning it. I guess they are still having problems with my insurance coverage. I left a message with my surgeon's office for their opinion if I needed to start covering the $175 a week while I fight with my insurance.

Which nicely leads to my third healthcare related issue of the day. When I went to get my mail I found a letter from my insurance stating that my rates have been raised by $130 a month, reflecting "the significant increase in healthcare costs in our area." This means I will be spending about $12,000 a year so I can fight about what they will and won't cover.

That's for just me, if I had a spouse and some kids I would have to pay just under $36,000 a year. That's the price of my first co-op! And the insurance industry wants to fine someone who can't afford insurance?! According to the US Census Bureau the median income for a family of four in my state is $72,170 - which means they would have to spend half their annual income on health insurance! Somehow I suspect that families of four who don't have health insurance aren't making the median income. Maybe instead of all this party fighting congress should take a good look at what is in the best interests of the people who actually put them in Washington and deal with this! (That's my op ed for the day)

Busy Baking

If I needed proof that I was stupid yesterday I got it this morning from the CPM machine. I've been able to bend to 70 degrees since last Friday. Today I could only bend to 66 degrees and that was uncomfortable. Basically, my knee ain't happy. So I am elevating and icing my knee in between baking cakes (I always forget how much I hate food coloring).

Hopefully my afternoon session will be better.

Maybe monotony is good

I got a little stupid on my three week anniversary and pushed myself further then my body wanted to go. Including my shortened CPM session, my knee was on the go for 8 hours today with little to no rest. My knee, and the rest of me, rode three buses - standing on all three; walked 14 blocks; had physical therapy; and went grocery shopping. All without icing and elevating. (Did I mention the stupid part?) I knew I was close to the limit while walking to the supermarket, but also knew that because I was close to my limit if I went home I was not coming back out.

I got to my floor and had to sit on the stairs again for 20 minutes before I could tamp down the lightheadedness and nausea and muster the energy to walk the last feet to my door, forget carrying the groceries, jacket, messenger bag and crutches. Needless to say I am being bad and not having an evening CPM session.

I had a different Physical Therapist today from Friday. The center was a bit crazy with two therapists out sick and the others having to cover extra patients. Lena, today's therapist added two new exercises to my regimen and massaged my knee cap as opposed to Dina's forced bending. I have to say I'm not thrilled that they seem to bouncing me around different therapists - maybe it's good because each one brings something different to the session, but it makes it difficult to build up a rapport. Today Dina had to remind Lena who I was after Lena had started working with me and I was on the table directly next to the therapists computer station.

I did meet a young woman who is going through PT is hopes of avoiding knee surgery. She is a freelancer and her biggest fear is how she would pay her bills during her recovery time. She was asking me questions I couldn't answer about short-term disability. Another problem in the health care crisis in America. I know I am dipping into my savings more then I would like to, but I am fortunate enough to have a build up I can tap into.

My other issue is that I have been unable to get ahead of the pain for the past two days. I have had a steady throbbing pain on the inside of my knee. The area has also swollen and is pressing against and over the metal rod of my brace. I've even tried going back on the Darvocet to no avail. I haven't quite decided if this is general "Hey, I'm healin' here" (yes, of course my knee has a Brooklyn accent) or if I need to put a call in to Dr. Williams office. For now I'm thinking a quiet night of ice packs and elevation.

Needless to say I didn't get any baking done. We'll see what I'm up to tomorrow, but my cops may have to go cakeless tomorrow.

Monotonous

This is all starting to feel a bit monotonous. Being off the narcotics means I am getting some work done. But still being on crutches outside means it is literally a pain to go anywhere. Plus there is only one pair of jeans that fit over the brace and except for going to PT I don't like to wear my sweats outside. I am getting grumpy about the whole thing and quoting Eartha Kitt. (Points to anyone who can name my reference! It has something to do with Montgomery Clift.)

My days are up, breakfast, CPM, shower, work, errands, exercises, lunch, CPM, work, dinner, tv, bed. I either work, read, or watch videos while on the CPM depending on my mood and the rest of my schedule. Who said there has to be more to life then this? Tomorrow and Tuesday I get to try to break the continuity by trying to bake for Tuesday nights meeting. I'm bored, which leads to passivity and ennui and can't be good for my recovery.