Grunting Through the Easy Stuff

Stand on your toes. Go ahead, I'll wait. You can even hold on to the couch or wall. Should be fairly easy.

Not for me.

Had physical therapy today. I learned that Bob has very strong hands as he gripped my ankle and worked on manipulating my bones. Then he had me roll my foot, like I would when taking a step. Ouch. But nothing compared to what came a bit later.

Then it was time for standing on my toes. I found myself throwing almost all my weight to the right foot. Bob decided that wasn't hard enough, so he asked me to only use my left foot. That did not work, so we moved to the leg press and tried it there.

Using both feet, with my right doing most of the work, I could press 50 pounds up on my toes and then  let my heel flex beyond the bottom of the foot brace. He had to remove all the weight before I could use just my left foot, and then I felt like I was pressing 500 pounds just to get my foot to move less than an inch. I found myself wanting to grunt like Maria Sharapova during a Grand Slam tournament. I also felt a bit pathetic, that something that should be so simple as standing on your toes is absolutely beyond me at the moment.

By the time I got home after 2 subways, 2 buses and a combined 11 blocks of walking (that was just after I left HSS), all I wanted was to put my feet up for a bit. When I got back up a but later my ankle was so stiff it hurt to flex to neutral. And I am expected to abuse myself with these and 10 other exercises five times a day!

I just keep repeating the mantra that this will be worth all the pain!

Dr. Shetty, my neurologist, called yesterday and agrees with Bob that I may have had the lack of feeling in my heel before this surgery, but because I was not walking properly I did not notice. No suggestions on how to handle the disassociation I am still having with my foot. She did order another EMG - now scheduled for late April, just shy of a year after the first one.

Someone asked me today what to do if the feeling never comes back. I don't know. I'm trying not to think like that. Hoping a positive outlook will produce a positive result. Originally everyone - Dr. Hubbard, Dr. Tsai, Dr. Shetty - kept telling me the feeling should come back in a year. It's now been 14 months and Dr. Shetty (the only one of the doctors I am still in contact with) says it could be 18 months. I couldn't find any information on the Neuropathy Association website. Seems they tend to focus on illness related neuropathy.

I have to push it back or the fear of never being able to walk normally again will overwhelm me. Bad enough that Bob has ordered me to keep the cane until my gait is a bit better - especially when my cops keep telling me I will be arrested if I start hitting people with it.

Right now it's time to do more stretches!

Countdown Begins

 I have started my pre-op "to do" and shopping lists. Top priorities are making the apartment crutches friendly and stocking up on entertainment. Other jobs have included replacing the padding and grips on my crutches and stocking up on easy, healthy food. Even though I have the list well in hand, somehow a week doesn't feel long enough.

I also realize I'm much more afraid with this surgery then I was with my knee. It's not that I don't have faith in my surgeon, but that this surgery seems to have the ability for more complications. Plus everyone seems to want to tell me a horror story - not helpful!

I think it's also the idea of not being able to weight bear for two weeks. With my knee I started passive PT immediately and could at least use my foot (with some pain) to maneuver around and get up from a seat, etc.  This time I ordered a medical shower seat and have been thinking about trying to borrow a wheeled office chair to scoot around the apartment for the first two weeks. At one point Dr. Hubbard had mentioned the possibility of a knee walker. (see my favorite picture from a testimonial page of rentakneewalker.com)

I don't know if my insurance would cover it, and all the images show that the weight point is directed to the knee - the one thing I have never been able to do since my first knee surgeries 25 years ago is kneel without pain. But it certainly looks like a safer and steadier option to crutches - especially around the cats. Will email Dr. Hubbard or his PA, Marco, and call my insurance Tuesday. (With the knee walker, I might even be able to bake for Precinct Council.)

I am probably going over-board in all my preparations, but I'd rather discover I don't need something I have then try to figure how to get it afterwards.

Lost My Nerve

Happy Birthday to my father and grandmother. Both long gone, but very much on my mind today.

My knee was very stiff this morning and barely bent at all when I got up. I put ice on it while on the CPM machine and was able to get it to bend to 85 degrees, but when I did my exercises and tried to bend it on my own I could barely get it past 25 degrees without pain.

I've been thinking that the reason my knee feels like a dead weight is the nerve trauma from the surgery. The nerves around my knee were sliced and shoved around during the procedure and many of them have, hopefully only temporarily, lost the connection to my brain. I don't always know where my knee is in relation to the alignment of my leg (if that makes any sense). It's a weird sensation. The nerves that still work tell me I should be feeling something in the affected area, but I don't. This becomes most obvious and concerning when I am trying to roll over in bed and / or walking around without the brace.

Which leads me to my other loss of nerve. I have spent the last 23 years being afraid of my knees. I was told by my previous surgeon and my mother that my knees were delicate and had to be coddled (as much as you can a leg joint). I was told no sports where I would be moving my knee side to side and stressing my ligaments. No skiing, basketball, volleyball, tennis, rock climbing, bike riding, running, surfing, etc. I was forever wary of falling and damaging my knees. Anytime I did fall on my knee an MRI shortly followed. I remember after a fall in my early twenties where my mother picked me up and drove me to an emergency MRI before I had even seen a doctor. Basically, it was drummed in my head to try to live my life, but treat my knees like they were made of glass. Snow, which I loved as a child, started to terrify me - all I could see was slipping and falling. Activities I wanted to try were ruled out based on knee impact.

And now I wonder if I'm not progressing as quickly as I should out of fear. Last time I was in a cast for six or eight weeks, this time Dr. Williams may take me out of the brace on Monday and I am terrified of doing something that will damage my knee. I can't do hydrotherapy until my incision is healed and I can't even seem to get a clear answer on when that will be. The tape put on after the stitches were removed is barely loose, much less ready to fall off.

Well, I see Dr. Williams on Tuesday. I need to write down my list of questions and issues. Plus figure out what to where that can cover PT in the morning, doctors appointment and lunch with a friend. I suspect I may have to pack extra clothes for one or more of my engagements.