Waiting for Dr. Petrigliano, Dr. Williams Resident on call, to phone me this morning I focused on the fact that this is no longer the positive adventure I started out on a few wekks ago. I hit a wall sometime yesterday and I am finding it extremely hard to be sunny (yes, I can be sunny) and positive about this whole experience.
I am tired emotionally and physically. I am starting to hate. I hate how much of a hassle everything - even the most simple of chores - has become. I hate that I can't even manage some tasks like sweeping up kitty litter that spilled while I was scooping it. I hate that I have to psych myself up for a simple trip to the bathroom. I hate that my hands hurt from the crutches. I hate that my left leg hurts, not only from the surgery, but from being stuck in the brace 19 hours a day. I hate that my right knee is grinding every time I sit or stand. I hate that Dr. Petrigliano thinks that my thrush isn't "that big a deal" and won't let me treat it. If it spreads I'm going to hate him even more. I hate that I haven't had a full nights restful sleep for more then a week. I hate that I can't take a shower without having somebody nearby because I might slip. I hate that simply cooking food in the oven requires more thought and planning then it should. I hate that I have laundry in the dryer and can't figure out how to take it out and put it away. I hate that no food is appetizing and I have to force myself to eat so I can take my meds. I hate how fuzzy and apathetic my meds make me feel. I hate that if I don't take my meds I'm equally miserable, but with the added bonus of pain. I hate that I have lost control over my internal temperature control. I hate that what I really want is to curl up in bed and have a good cry. I hate that I can't do that. And most of all I hate that I have lost the ability to look forwards to the end goal and stay positive.
